SPC: emerging from my shadows

This is my first self-portrait challenge. Again I find myself drawn back to the concept of identity (which I previously wrote about here and here) …

The person I really am often differs enormously from the person I let others see. When I believe I need to protect myself or when I feel vulnerable, I use a mind-crafted mask to hide behind. But when I feel exuberant, extrovert and brave, I thrive in the spotlight and the two me’s are almost interchangeable.

Then there is blogging, and the blogging persona. In this medium I’m realising I have an opportunity to be as open and honest as I wish; in a sense show the true me. And here vulnerability doesn’t really matter; in fact the feeling that comes from expressing myself, in what is effectively a very public domain, when I'm feeling at my most vulnerable is incredibly liberating.

But this sense of freedom comes to a halt when I attempt to use images rather than words as a means of expression. I sense a shrinking away, a desire to hide. Identity… hmmm.... as I’m hurtling towards 40 I am struggling with my judgemental self. I feel that I am fading away here in this city, bursting at the seams with gorgeous young things, that I am becoming invisible, an undesirable…

But I am aware that I am my own harshest critic, the hand clamped over my face is my own, what it represents is self-inflicted, and I need to find a way to pry it away in order to free myself from my internal judge. I need to step out from the shadows I have created for myself.

invisible mute
ready to break the silence
emerge from shadows

My yesterday

Cheek pressed against love,
liquid dreams lusting after
Pale yellow sunset

Every night after work I take a long walk along the seafront. I do this even if it's raining because after a long day in front of a computer I need to feel fresh air on my face; I need to stretch my limbs to feel alive again. Lately it's been wonderful to notice a lengthening in daylight, and yesterday the sun was still setting when I reached the water. The sky was a cool yellow colour and I felt truly alive in that moment as I walked with the wind in my face towards the sun as it slowly melted and disappeared.

Recently, inspired by so many creative fellow bloggers, I've started to try and shape a haiku from whatever has happened during the day that made me smile. It's very meditative and it feels good to focus on something positive. And it feels like the rhythm of my steps creates a rhythm for my words to follow.