Paralysis

I have just returned from my usual Saturday afternoon with Rosie, the 88-year old lady I visit once a week as part of a neighbourhood care scheme (I've previously blogged about her here and here), and I am overcome by a muddled sense of impatience, mixed with excitement and fear.

Like most of us I dream of writing a great novel, and although I have, in recent years, downgraded my hopes and expectations to something of the Mills&Boon variety, in Rosie there is an amazing story to be told, something that could, if handled right, become that great novel... if I only knew how, or, should I say: if I only dared to try.

I have toyed with the idea before, told myself to start small; that all I have to do is sit down and write the skeleton of the story, or perhaps a short story version. It doesn't have to be of epic proportions. And occasionally I do get as far as the computer before paralysis sets in. The expectations I have of myself are crippling, and the only thing I can believe in is my failure.

How do you do it? Because I know you do...

Happiness

When my mother turned 40 she gave my father an ultimatum: "either I want to get a job or I want another baby". And so I was born when my mother was 41 and my father almost 43. Thank you pappa for being an old-fashioned guy.

Growing up my parents were older than my best friend's grandmother, but it never really bothered me, they made up for it by being far more relaxed and chilled-out than all my friends' parents combined.

But now, well now they're old. My dad will be 81 in December and my mother 80 next February. And their bodies are starting to fail. And the last four visits (they live in Sweden and I don't get to see them very often) have been coupled with either one of them being seriously ill. Until this one that is.

I have just returned back to the UK from a brief but glorious visit, and I feel... happy, relieved, grateful and calm... Having last seen my father in March, when he weighed no more than 130 lbs following surgery (not much for a guy over 6 feet), to see him now, back to his usual lively, goofy self, seemed almost like a miracle. And I revelled in their company, the conversations we had. Really inhaled them, storing them deep deep inside, memories that I can draw from in the future.

mmmm... it's good to be back.

hello...?

Work without holding
Undo all your fixations
Give up your ideas
Dissolve your conditioning
Abandon your weight to the ground
Exhale
Be simple
Receive, grow, expand
Allow your intelligence to reveal itself through your body
John Stirk on yoga

I am fine

I am so sorry for just disappearing like I did... I don't even really know why. It sort of got a life of its own: not being able to face the blog. Sticking my head in the sand. I have been insanely busy at work with a lot more responsibilities, which has left me feeling stressed and frazzled and really preoccupied.

But considering I think of many of you as friends, this is hardly a valid excuse and of course I should have let you know.

Please accept my apologies... you mean an awful lot to me, you have been so supportive and inspiring, and to know you have been concerned about me - when there is no real reason - makes me feel very ashamed.

I promise to be back soon with a proper post. In the meantime I send lots of love to all of you.

Back to basics

I didn't actually know what a blog was until early December last year, when as a big lover of Christmas, and especially Christmas food, I found myself hunting for interesting recipes, and in particular recipes for Swedish saffron buns, on the internet.

It was during this search that I stumbled across Anne's Food, and this particular post. The photograph accompanying the recipe was so salivating and the recipe itself, which combines two of my favourite flavours: saffron and marzipan, really intrigued me. I spent days trawling through Anne's previous entries; cooking and baking along the way, and slowly the idea of having my own blog was conceived.

And so the ramblings began. In the beginning my blog mainly concerned itself with food and the occasional musing over the origins of various traditions. It took a while for me to grasp the concept of visiting other peoples blogs, and so for ages the only blog I ever visited was Anne's Food. She never visited me and so I remained in the shadows for eons.

Now, food isn't exactly one of my hobbies. I like cooking and I love eating, but that's about it. So a blog dedicated to this subject didn't really stand a chance. And as I started visiting other blogs, I realised I much preferred to read, and write, about observations on the ordinary things in life.

But last week I came across this recipe, and it turned out so incredibly delicious (my partner and I were both sitting there looking at each other in disbelief: how could something so simple be so fabulously yummy?) that I felt inspired to share it with you.

Asparagus pissaladiere

Serves 4 (or two really hungry people)

50g butter
2 tbsp olive oil
750g red onions, peeled and sliced very thinly
Sprig of fresh rosemary
One bay leaf
1 tsp soft brown sugar
1 packet ready-rolled puff pastry
1 bundle of fresh asparagus
1 egg, beaten
About 100g of crumbled feta cheese

1. Melt butter and oil in a saucepan. Add onions and stir well to coat, then cover and cook gently for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

2. Add the herbs and sugar, increase the heat and cook until the onions have caramelised. Leave to cool. Discard the rosemary and bay leaf.

3. Turn on the oven to 200c

4. Place puff pastry on a lightly greased baking sheet. Using a sharp knife, score a border approximately 2cm from the edge, be careful so you don’t cut all the way through.

5. Trim the asparagus and cut in half. Pile caramelised onions into the centre and spread to the inner edge of the border. Place the asparagus on top, season with freshly ground black pepper. Brush the border with the beaten egg and bake in the pre-heated oven for 15-20 minutes until the pastry has risen and is golden brown. Be careful so the pastry doesn’t burn. Reduce the oven temperature to 150c and bake for a further 10-15 minutes. Add the crumbled feta for the last 5 minutes.

Serve with a fresh salad, drizzled with a little bit of olive oil and lemon juice.

Enjoy!

I've been interviewed

I know I'm going a bit meme crazy at the moment, but they're like peanuts, once you've had one... and this is one is different, it's more interactive: it's an interview. And anyone can join in.

After reading her answers and asking very nicely if I could play too, the beautiful Annika has asked me the following:

1: Desktop or laptop?
I actually prefer my desktop computer. Its virtues are numerous: the machine is much more powerful, the screen is bigger, it's better for my posture. The only thing missing really is an ergonomic chair to go with it, but if I had that I doubt I'd ever leave my little office.

2: Gory horror or slapshot comedy?
Hmmm... I'm not too keen on contemporary slapstick, but I love the old stuff with Jack Lemmon, and of course How to steal a million, one of my all-time favourites. Gory horror would never enter my house. I'm too afraid. When I watched the Exorcist years ago I got so freaked out I almost needed to be exorcised myself afterwards.

3: Small apartment in a big city or big house in the far-off countryside?
Can I have both? Or a big apartment in the big city and little cottage in the far-off countryside? No? Ok, I'll settle for the big city and the small abode then, for the time being.

4: Which is, according to you, The Best Song Ever?
No, no, no, no... I can't answer this. There are so many songs that are associated with incredible memories, but whether these are great songs or not is debatable... I don't have a favourite song, different moods calls for different songs.

5: If you had one month left to live - and you know that for a fact - how would you spend it?
Oh, what a difficult question. I would like to make one request. Can it be a summer month please? Yes? Oh, thank you. In that case I would like to rent a big beautiful house by lake Siljan in Sweden and invite my dearest friends to come and stay. The house would have a team of chefs cooking all our favourite foods, and cleaning staff so we never would have to lift a finger. The endless days would be spent talking, laughing, eating, drinking, playing games, swimming, horseback riding, snoozing in hammocks under a tree... that sort of thing. I wouldn't want my whole family there the whole time, but because we would be in Sweden they could come and visit.

Do you want to play too? Great, these are the rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Love Thursday - blowing the budget

I know it's irresponsible
I know it's outrageously expensive
I know I will probably only wear it very, very occasionally
I know it's impractical
I know, I know, I know...

But my bestest friend's hen do is coming up, we're all going to very shi-shi Primrose Hill (in London) for a weekend of full-on hedonistic fun, and we're even going to a disco in the middle of the day on Sunday afternoon. And to be a proper disco diva, I simply HAD to have the outfit to go with it.

So this Love Thursday I'm loving my Firaki catsuit by Malene Birger.