The person I really am often differs enormously from the person I let others see. When I believe I need to protect myself or when I feel vulnerable, I use a mind-crafted mask to hide behind. But when I feel exuberant, extrovert and brave, I thrive in the spotlight and the two me’s are almost interchangeable.
Then there is blogging, and the blogging persona. In this medium I’m realising I have an opportunity to be as open and honest as I wish; in a sense show the true me. And here vulnerability doesn’t really matter; in fact the feeling that comes from expressing myself, in what is effectively a very public domain, when I'm feeling at my most vulnerable is incredibly liberating.
But this sense of freedom comes to a halt when I attempt to use images rather than words as a means of expression. I sense a shrinking away, a desire to hide. Identity… hmmm.... as I’m hurtling towards 40 I am struggling with my judgemental self. I feel that I am fading away here in this city, bursting at the seams with gorgeous young things, that I am becoming invisible, an undesirable…
But I am aware that I am my own harshest critic, the hand clamped over my face is my own, what it represents is self-inflicted, and I need to find a way to pry it away in order to free myself from my internal judge. I need to step out from the shadows I have created for myself.
ready to break the silence
emerge from shadows