Tuesday, February 6

SPC: emerging from my shadows


This is my first self-portrait challenge. Again I find myself drawn back to the concept of identity (which I previously wrote about here and here) …

The person I really am often differs enormously from the person I let others see. When I believe I need to protect myself or when I feel vulnerable, I use a mind-crafted mask to hide behind. But when I feel exuberant, extrovert and brave, I thrive in the spotlight and the two me’s are almost interchangeable.

Then there is blogging, and the blogging persona. In this medium I’m realising I have an opportunity to be as open and honest as I wish; in a sense show the true me. And here vulnerability doesn’t really matter; in fact the feeling that comes from expressing myself, in what is effectively a very public domain, when I'm feeling at my most vulnerable is incredibly liberating.

But this sense of freedom comes to a halt when I attempt to use images rather than words as a means of expression. I sense a shrinking away, a desire to hide. Identity… hmmm.... as I’m hurtling towards 40 I am struggling with my judgemental self. I feel that I am fading away here in this city, bursting at the seams with gorgeous young things, that I am becoming invisible, an undesirable…

But I am aware that I am my own harshest critic, the hand clamped over my face is my own, what it represents is self-inflicted, and I need to find a way to pry it away in order to free myself from my internal judge. I need to step out from the shadows I have created for myself.

invisible mute
ready to break the silence
emerge from shadows

14 comments:

melba said...

This is an interesting post. I feel on my blog I am more me than any other place in my life. My blog has helped me shed my skin for others in my everyday world to finally see me.

Sacred Suzie said...

What a telling and honest post, I can relate very much. I hope that you find release in your blog to show you as you are. There is definitely a "persona" issue when it comes to blogging, I'm not always as "sacred" as I want to be but it's what I try to share with the world. Thank you for sharing this picture of you, I can see you behind those hands. She's lovely.

BlueJude said...

This is a great shot and a great post! I think we all have sides of us that others don't see...and there are sides that remain hidden even to ourselves. The SPC is new to me too and I'm finding it REALLY interesting. Almost like uncovering those hidden personnas and finding all kinds of revelations. And it's fun!

Dreamer Girl said...

Great picture, love the hand as a mask.

Hugs to you!!!

Sophie

Nicole said...

i felt like i was reading many things about myself in your post.
excellent photo and look forward to stopping back by your blog!

Waspgoddess said...

Melba: What you say about how blogging has helped you shed your skin in everyday life is really interesting, and I think I can sense something like that happening with me too.

Suzie: Thanks for those sweet words. Please say hello to Beautiful BC from me.

Bluejude: It is fun, I agree, and it's remarkable too, it is like finding new layers of yourself.

Sophie: Hello again sweet girl, I hope your not working too hard and that you get time to spend with you too.

Nicole: Thank you for your words, it feels nice somehow to know that you could identify with some of my ramblings.

Jeremy Stockwell said...

Cool shot and treatment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it.

stuffed said...

Ditto. Great post.

Vedrana M. said...

beautiful and interesting post...
sometimes my blog is only palce where i can just be me..
nice photo!

Edvard Moonke said...

Very interesting. As a rather 'Anglicized' Brazilian, the question of identity and the image I portray of myself to others is something that has troubled me a good deal over the years...

Waspgoddess said...

Jeremy, Stuffed, Vedrana:
Thanks for visiting. Your positive comments are making me feel like moving my mask away just a little bit more. :)

Moonke:
Good to "see" you again. Mmmm, I can imagine there must be some major cultural differences between the UK and Brasil.

What about language? I often feel stuck in between two languages, that I have lost the fluidity I once had speaking Swedish, that I don't believe I will ever "master" the English language to the extent I would like to...

[a} said...

Blogging is completely an opportunity to be as real as possible!

miriam said...

Your photo is stunning (too!) I especially enjoyed the words that went with it. I can very much relate...though of late I feel sort of muffled even in the blogosphere.

KatieBelle said...

This is a really great shot. I love the contrasts in it.

Thanks for stopping by my blog...you commented on my own very first SPC post!

I really like your blog...do you mind if I link you?

~KatieBelle